speaker for the dead

Getting pissed off at everything at work and then you test your sugars and your at 68…

I rarely drop anymore, but when I do it sucks. :(

There is a spot on each shoulder- just at the base of my neck… And when you apply even the SLIGHTEST pressure, I feel like you’re sticking in a white-hot crochet hook in an attempt to scramble up my soul the way Ancient Egyptians scrambles brains and pulled them through the nose.

I need massage.

Any volunteers? =]

On a side note- I’m gaining muscle. And biceps.

This is nice.

Waking up hyperventating,
Scared out of my mind, needing to get away, without knowing what i need to get away from, or I’m scared of.

Maybe it’s time to go back to counseling.

So this is David- my longest and most painful, life-overturning crush. 

My feelings for him ruined past relationships that Ive had, almost cost my friendships with others, and has haunted me for years.

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Last night was in interesting night. Anytime I get together with old friends from High School, I am reminded of the importance of self-prupoltion and, what is more important, self-awareness- that is, how important it is to have goals and see them through, and how crucial it is to continue your understanding of yourself and how you fit into the societal niche you belong to. 

Seeing this group, especially, is being reminded of my roots. Of where I came from, and of what our small production of “Life in a Small Town” has turned into on a larger stage, all of us playing our different parts:

• An actress going off to New York in a few weeks after finishing her degree. 
• A film-maker who is struggling but starting to make it in the movie scene in LA. 
• A couple that have been together since high school, now trying to figure out their next step in the world. 
• A group of close friends who have teemed up, moved to the city, and are daring to follow their dreams. 
• Two incredibly unique people who have come out to their friends and family- who have taken off their small-town masks and are daring to let others see and know them, at least a little bit more, for who they really are. 
• An incredibly talented young actor who is finally able to continue his story, moving on to his next big adventure on his way to fame, or glory, or at least a happy ending. 

when looking at all of this energy and hope and success there is a very stark contrast between them and those like me, who after a tumultuous journey, have ended up back in our small town- wondering how, in the tango of life, we could have been doing so well to then later realize we had missed a step somewhere back there. 

With all of this, I just keep wondering what my next step is. I feel as if the map is barren, the road stretching before blanketed by a fog that has turned visibility down to just a few meters, and I keep turning on my high-beams in hopes of seeing farther, yet all I get in return is a bright reminder of how blind I really am. 

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!! 

you should leave me great pictures of presents in my ask/submit box. :) 

Now, IM GOING TO DISNEYLAND!

(Seriously!)

Updates and pics throughout the day. :-)

-thespeakerforthedead

You know, everytime I write a journal post now I ALWAYS think of the way my old roommates all mocked me (after they kicked me out) for writing these kind of entries. “Man, I wonder who people used to complain to all the time before the Internet…” they all posted.

One of them knows my story… Knows how I’ve been excluded & made fun of my whole life and how hard it is for me to let down my guard with people and actually care about what they say.

He knew how I had done that with others in the past, let them in, only to have them ridicule me and push me away. He knew how those words he and the other guys wrote would do more than chide me, but would remind me again how I don’t belong, didn’t belong in the apartment. With that group of friends.

They asked me to leave and had an old friend waiting to move in the day I moved out. Let’s get rid of josh, get someone we really like in here, someone who’s habits are just like ours, who isn’t so “different”, then let’s make fun of him some more by ridiculing him online, and let’s not even attempt a basic greeting when we see him at school.

The hard part is, at least one of them knew how vulnerable I am to being wrecked by this kind of thing… But still did it. I know this guys past just as he knows mine, and I would never think to throw someone’s pain and brokenness back in their face, especially after they have trusted me to carry the burden with them.

Sticks and stones
May break my bones,
But words & deeds
Can maim you.
And I still don’t
Know how to
forgive you
For that, for
Without knowing it,
You add to my
Nightly
Nightmares.
So, I guess this way
I’ll never forget you.

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